I’m 24F and have been dating a 28M for three years. We have a mostly beautiful relationship – we support each other, we can talk for hours, we share a surprisingly compatible outlook and we love each other very much. I live in another city because I’m still a student and we see each other during the weekend (I partially already live at his place) and he usually visits me once a week (It’s an hour drive and we usually go out for a few drinks as I don’t have my own flat). For the first two years my boyfriend had a very high libido – we could take a walk in the park and kissing there for example would make him hard. I never really had a high libido and was usually just there for the ride – same with my ex. I’ll enjoy it, especially if he turns me on first, but I rarely initiate it. But about a year ago my bf’s libido changed drastically. At first I was worried it had something to do with him not wanting to be with me anymore but it turned out not to be true – he seemed very satisfied with our relationship. I started voicing my concerns often (which wasn’t the smartest move) – had crying, had serious talk, had good encouragement, etc. Over the years, my BF has figured out that this is something that worries me – so he tries, I can see it. I try too – I wait for her in some new sexy lingerie and it will be an instant turn on for her. But I can’t stop feeling that it’s all a bit staged. Like we have to remember to have sex. After that we are always happy, talk about what was good, how we should have done it etc. My boyfriend never seems worried when we talk about it. He argues that we’ve been together a long time, that we only see each other for the weekend, that we both have busy lives (he’s a doctor, I’m a med student – with chronic insomnia that plagues my life). Makes some days quite difficult) ). Now I really want to set aside the fact that we both have low libidos and it’s good that we found each other – but I just worry. I worry that something is wrong with us, I feel like everyone thinks about sex all the time and that my bf used to think about sex all the time – and now something is off, like we only There are people who are not attached to sex. tl;dr Dr. Me and my partner both have low libido and it worries me
What’s wrong with my relationship when it comes to sex?
2 months ago 6 Comments
Libido changes over time and with different circumstances. Sit your partner down and just talk about it. Are you both still satisfied with your current sex life? Are certain things lacking? Anything on either of your minds to spice things up or that you want to try out?
Go into it without judgment and figure out where you’re both at mentally and sexually.
Maybe you’re over thinking it. Sounds you have trouble shutting the mental processes down with the insomnia and all so that’s likely the case. Could be a myriad of things though. How was your communication prior to him experiencing the low libido? Did you have a sex positive relationship where you shared your thoughts about sex with each other? Like a “hey that looks hot I’d like to try it”. If it feels staged does that mean when you’re not with him for those days you don’t crave sex with him? Likewise him you?
My wife and I are very sexual so it’s different, but anytime I go out of town for a week or a few days we can barely get in the door and we are ripping our clothes off each other. This is after a decade. I think a big part of this is open communication about sex. I want to do this or I want to do that. Surprising each other with toys or outfits. You have to communicate to build up that desire.
Try doing something naughty to surprise him and make him more open to expressing himself to you. Take a picture of your tits in the bathroom at school and send him a pic, that kind of thing. Buy a set of handcuffs to surprise him with. See if changing your MO makes him want you like crazy. You’re both at such a prime age sexually, take advantage of that.
The advice already given covers some of that I would have advised. Keep in mine, stress is a big factor in sex and libido. Once that happens, it may affect his normal mental flow of sex.
Sometimes a nice nude massage without any expectations of sex will lead to fun and relaxation. Often if does end in sex as both become more relaxed.
Could be stress. Could be just being comfortable. Could be change in diet or over all health. Could be he is not a young horned up bag of testosterone anymore.
Or, it could be he is bored with the sex. Perhaps, finding new ways to add a new kind of excitement will help. Experiment with something new you two have never done. Talk about fantasies or a particular fetish that you never really discussed before.
There are a lot of valid points in the comments already but I want to throw out a couple more. Has your partner had any changes in medication that line up somewhat with his libido changes? In my experience antidepressants and anti anxiety medication can have significant impact on libido.
Also you mentioned using lingerie to initiate and said it feels forced. You shouldn’t feel bad about that at all. Most intimate moments require a little bit of force or a little bit of planning. It isn’t bad or shameful to want to make that happen. Pre-planned sexual encounters are a way to show our partners that we are thinking about them and desiring them when we are apart.
I bet he’s watching to much porn when he’s bored at home. It often effects a man’s libido. Especially because he is coming up to 30.