Struggling with premarital sex

Please someone help me… My husband and I are both 25 and we have been married for a little over 3 years but we are struggling to have a good sex life. I love him with all my heart and he couldn’t be a better husband, he is my best friend but we struggle with intimacy. When we were first married, we were so obsessed with having everything new that I didn’t care that much about my own happiness. We were doing it just for the sake of doing it and I was okay with it. Soon, I wanted to feel the same kind of pleasure he was feeling and feel the climax during sex. We have been trying to get me there ever since. I know its a lot mental and I try my best to relax and tell him what feels good but he is not getting it. I move his hand around and he stops for a second or two but then tries to do something else. Inevitably, I become unsatisfied and I emotionally crash after sex. Post sex feels like a failure, and sadness sucks the wind out of me. I can’t tell you how many times I have cried over this and I know it hurts them too. I feel guilty for making him feel bad because I know he really is trying his best. We just don’t seem to be on the same page sexually. I know I can get there quicker on my own but what works for me alone doesn’t seem to translate to us trying together. I’m not saying it’s never happened but I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve experienced climax during sex. We’ve tried toys here and there, but we both grew up deeply religious and the shame I feel about using toys absolutely gets in the way of my happiness, it seems almost counterproductive. Now here I am, afraid to try again, afraid of the sadness I’ll feel later, afraid that he’ll see me again disappointed and unsatisfied. I once heard someone say that good sex causes 10% of a relationship and bad sex causes 90% of a relationship’s problems. I couldn’t agree more. It weighs heavy on me and I dream of passionate sex with my husband. He wants to start a family next year and the resentment I’d feel over having a baby out of sex wasn’t enjoyable either, like there were a million more problems waiting to happen. I dont know what else to do….

14 thoughts on “Struggling with premarital sex

  1. Read him this post then tell him orgasms are important and he *needs* to follow the directions you give him to get you there.

  2. If you can afford it seeing a sex therapist could help you both deal with lingering issues from your upbringing. Also, when you are telling him what to do, You have to make sure if he starts wanting to do something else you speak up and say no, keep going, do that and don’t stop unless I tell you. Try and practice mindfulness in general because when you have that connection with your own body it’s much easier to Orgasm and be in the moment because you learn to enjoy the journey and what feels good, you’re not waiting for the destination. I understand you are not comfortable with toys but they are not a replacement for a man, they are a sex enhancer. You can get really discrete ones you don’t even have to hold these days. Maybe learning to look at sex in a whole new light will be the beginning of a sexual awakening for you.

  3. Honestly, based on what you wrote, it seems the best course of action is to seek out therapy. There are multiple things going on here including guilt resulting from an extremely religious upbringing. For the record, I’m not knocking religion at ALL here, just noting that there is some resultant guilt that should be dealt with. That alone may help…but couples therapy and possibly sex therapy would likely help a even more.

    Sorry you’re going through this…it’s as much emotional as it is physical…likely for both of you.

    Good luck, I hope you find your way to the satisfaction you desire!

  4. – a helpful tip for some guys is to tell them you orgasm differently. Men usually need to switch up stimulation and get harder and faster movements in order to orgasm. For women ***it is literally the opposite***. Men tend to be thinking about your orgasms like their own so they tend to wander and change it up because they get worried youre gonna be bored, but you just need to explain that keeping it the same, especially closer to orgasm is what will get you there. It just doesn’t work the same. And you need to be willing to remind them of that and speak up and say “no go back that was good, keep doing that” in the moment.

    – try showing him how you orgasm on your own. You are allowed to touch yourself and physically show him what to do with no “input” from him. There is absolutely no shame or guilt you need to feel about that to get pleasure from your partner in the end. And that goes for toys as well.

    – sex is a team effort. So you are allowed to put your own effort to pleasing yourself while having sex. So you are allowed to touch yourself while hes inside you.

    – have a real deep conversation about the kid thing. Putting that pressure and stress on yourself to have a kid to satisfying sex isn’t gonna help your mental block. Itll just make it harder. And 100% having a kid will just open another can of worms and not help the issues you already have. You are allowed to weigh in and say you want to wait on kids. It is your body.

    – maybe try sex counselling or couples counselling.

  5. >I know a lot of its mental

    Personally, I disagree with this. Being relaxed and sexually attracted to the other person helps, but a lot of it is just stimulation of the clit (inside and outside part). Sounds like he doesn’t understand that he has to keep going with a movement you like instead of moving on quickly.

    I’m sorry you’re in thus sit. Could you not have penetratrive sex for a while so it’s more focussed on pleasure?

  6. You have the answer. A religion that makes you feel shame for using a piece of plastic and electronics to have an orgasm is likely misogynistic in many other ways. The fact that you, and your partner, didn’t even worry about your pleasure for a while, speaks to this as well.

    Take ownership of your sex and orgasms. Use your own hands or a vibrator during intercourse if that is what it takes (and it is what it takes for many women). Talk with your husband and deal with the shame. Find a new church if you need to, if not for yourself, for your future sons and daughters so they aren’t impeded by shame and guilt for performing a simple biological act.

  7. It sounds like both of you could benefit from some marriage counselling that specialises in sex. Your individual religious/repressive upbringing is still glaring at both of you – you describe being embarrassed to touch yourself in front of him for ages, and how you don’t want to make him feel bad for “failing”. Well…currently you are BOTH failing by having sex that is causing both of you anxiety. By having him try harder and in more varied ways, you have a greater chance of ACTUALLY succeeding in what you want. Counselling will help you confront your repressive upbringings and free yourselves. The biggest sexual organ is the brain and if both of you are constantly battling shameful thoughts then you aren’t fully open to enjoying the sights, smells and sensations of sex. You both need to learn how to navigate both your own thoughts and how to communicate with each other. Your want not to hurt him is admirable, but there ARE ways of communicating what you want without hurting him – that absolute “if I tell him it’ll hurt him guaranteed” is part of your repressive upbringing where talking about sex is discouraged. You need to ACTUALLY talk to each other. TELL each other what you like, what doesn’t work for you and what you’d want more of.

    You can make it into a game at first, if it helps get out of the mindset you are in. One night, everything is for him – you do exactly what he says, if you are comfortable with it, and then the next night, it’s all about you; he only does or says whatever you tell him to do/ask him for. When it is your turn, you can feel free to say whatever you want because there is no worry about “got to make sure he gets his as well”. If you KNOW the whole night is all about you, you can take all the time you want.

  8. Two things. First many women cannot orgasm from PIV sex alone. It requires some type of clitoral stimulation from a toy or your hand. Expecting to routinely orgasm from penetrative sex pretty much sets you up for disappointment if you’re not one of the fortunate women who can easily orgasm from PIV play (and please get past any shame for using toys since that’s pretty much a self-defeating decision). Second, you need to have a hard and honest talk with your husband about your continuing frustration sexually and your concern that it’s damaging your relationship. Sexual incompatibility is one of the primary reasons relationships fail, so this is pretty important. You need to convince him to listen to you and follow your lead. It may be of value for him to watch you masturbate to orgasm, watching what you do to get there. Another good approach is for him to get you off orally before ever penetratingly you. That takes the pressure off the situation and sometimes makes orgasming again easier. At least once he’s finished and you haven’t orgasmed he should take you to yours orally. You are so right that there is angst and drama waiting down the road that will make how you feel now seem small. This needs to be fixed, he needs to learn how to listen and read your body, or you are heading for a not so good end.

  9. My wife and I are faithful Christians and we have a toolbox of devices and pleasure seeking missiles…Never seen in the bible where it says thou shalt not liken thy heart unto dildos, clitoral vibrators, butt plugs, flesh lights, nipple clamps, cock rings, strap on’s, strap offs, warming gel, penis pumps, pussy pumps, restraints, dildos, or sounding rods. God created us as sexual beings. What goes on in the bedroom between one man and one woman is not restricted to simple
    Vanilla sex. Enjoy each other, explore each other, and have no shame about it.

  10. My wife of 18 years has had 4 orgams during the act of sex. All four were while she was pregnant and had more blood in her body thus a bigger clit. However I always finish her by hand or mouth. It’s just something we’ve come to realize isn’t going to happen for us but I live getting her off in other ways. Sometimes it doesn’t happen and you have to accept it and get off a different way.

  11. > We’ve tried toys here and there but both of us were raised deeply religious and the shame I feel for using toys absolutely gets in the way of my pleasure

    What kind of religion is that I wonder? I don’t recall any sermons about laying off toys…

  12. Try literally telling him “do this until I tell you to stop”–I think the #1 biggest problem men have is just like, knowing that they are going to have to do the exact same thing for MANY minutes, and the way you describe him as doing something for a while but then moving to something else sounds like this is what’s going on.

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