My (M-20) partner (F-20) doesn’t really initiate, and isn’t really active during sex

I have been seeing this girl for a while and it is going great but the sex is not really there. I know it’s at the point I need to discuss but I don’t know how to talk about it exactly. I’ve tried talking with her about sex and her sexual preferences in general and she immediately shuts it down. I know the next step is talking about it, but I worry that discussing it will do more harm than good, so I guess I’m just looking for advice, so I make sure I Do the conversation properly. I think the problem is threefold. A big part is that during sex, she stays pretty still the entire time. She’ll kiss and hug me, but regardless of position she won’t really take an active part in IDK what to call it, riding or grinding in penetrative sex. Like if I stop what I’m doing, so does all the sex. It is also analogous to foreplay and initiation. I’m big on the importance of foreplay, so I’ll either use my hands or go under it before sex. To date, we’ve had sex about 20 times, I’ve had it every time and he’s had it once. Like I’m okay with him not wanting to give head, but not addressing my dick in foreplay just feels one sided. As far as initiation goes, it’s been 100% of the time from my end, if I didn’t we just wouldn’t have had sex. Most sex is just me on top and that’s fine but as someone who gets off on feedback and engagement from my partner, it’s lacking. To further complicate things she is struggling with pain during sex and my size so it is hard to know/believe she is actually enjoying it as well. She is normally very affectionate physically but not so much sexually. I know the next step is talking about it, but I’m worried that if I don’t do it the right way, it might make him insecure about sex and make things worse. I’ve felt kind of flat and I’m not as interested in sex as I should be, so I guess I’m just looking for advice on how to have a conversation about it.

3 thoughts on “My (M-20) partner (F-20) doesn’t really initiate, and isn’t really active during sex

  1. > I have tried to talk with her generally about sex and her sexual preferences before and she just immediately shuts it down. I know the next step is talking about it but I’m worried that discussing it will do more harm than good

    This sums it all up IMO. She doesn’t know how to communicate about sex. Whether it’s shyness and new to her or just being prude. She may also just be more mentally immature than you are about this stuff.

    You HAVE to communicate this stuff with her. If she won’t contribute to the discussion (or the sex), then you two aren’t sexually compatible and you need to find someone else if sex is important enough to you.

    > I know the next step is talking about it, but I’m worried if I don’t do it the right way it could make her insecure about the sex and just make things worse.

    That’s when you approach it by telling her that the ability to communicate and share intimate details is extremely crucial to a good relationship. Tell her that you love her and it’s just a conversation. Tons of reassurance. If she can’t open up verbally, how do you expect her to open up physically?

  2. There’s also the chance of her being somewhat on the asexual spectrum. Might want to look up r/asexuality

  3. Just how much grinding do you want her to do in something like missionary ?
    most porn stars don’t even do that – they take a position and the man does all the work. That’s how it is supposed to work for the most part. She kisses you and stuff so she’s not a dead starfish…

    There are positions where she kind of has to participate a bit more but you have to be able to hold up like half of her etc and not everyone can do that.

    Does she do any exercise? You need a strong core to grind back like that. It is not easy. Us men have an easier time being stronger so maybe you don’t realize how tough she has it underneath you.

    Also if she is quiet she has probably been abused or has some kind of trauma (maybe she wasn’t molested but yelled at and shamed for sex or something) . So keep that in mind she may need some healing before she opens up… and it may hurt you a bit to open her up too…

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