To be clear, I still find him *physically* attractive. I think he is handsome, a handsome man, exactly my type. His body is too sexy for me. He treats me very well. I’m proud to stand next to her, I love looking at her at the dinner table, I *want* to have sex with her, but when it comes time to actually do it, it feels like a Kissing cousin. We had sexual chemistry but it’s gone. We have been together for six years and the best sex of my life has been with my husband. It’s not even close. In fleeting moments, I wondered whether I should prioritize dating someone who had more money or more education, but happily dismissed the thought because not only am I really in love, but sex Was *so good* that I knew I wouldn’t be happy with more money but worse sex. I suspect it may be a hormonal thing. I had a Mirena IUD inserted a month after we started sleeping together, and that IUD was in place until four months ago. A few weeks after the IUD came out, I lost my sexual attraction to my husband and it hasn’t come back one bit. My sex drive has never been higher* and sex has never been “better” in many ways, but it always leaves me feeling unsatisfied. I came off birth control because we are trying to have a baby together this year. I’ve wondered whether this sudden and troubling drop in sexual desire could be fears about having a baby, but I don’t think it is. I still want to have a baby. I want the child *so much*, with *him*, with my husband! But now I don’t know if I want to lock myself into a lifelong marriage and parent-child partnership of sex that is no longer for me. I feel like I’ve tried everything. Omgis. Communication, so much communication. toys in bed. new location. Our relationship has never been happier or healthier. I have blissful nights out with friends. We both have our own hobbies and we have hobbies together. I’m living in a dream marriage, and I have an incredibly high sex drive… just not for him. To almost anyone except him. It has dealt such a big blow to my self-esteem. I’m so ashamed of having so much sex that I secretly hate, being so sexual all the time that I can’t manage, keeping such a cruel secret from someone I love so much and who loves myself Gives to me so freely and so vulnerable. What is wrong with me that I can’t just be a happy wife who loves to fuck her hot hot husband? what can i do am i doomed It’s been months, will it pass? Do I just have a baby with the man I love and then accept what comes next? Are the days of good, fulfilling sex behind me? I’m only 28, we’ve been together since I was 22, basically my entire adult life. Is this something that happens when you get older or are in a serious long term relationship?
I (F28) am no longer sexually satisfied with my husband (M29)
2 months ago
34 Comments
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About The Author
I’m just a stranger on the internet, only you know deep down the ins and outs of your marriage. One thing I will point out is that when reading your post, it feels like you feel a disconnect. You describe everything as perfect, but you feel unsatisfied. I’d take sex off the table and try to date each other again. Reconnect but also build up the desire.
See your doctor check hormones. Talk. Professional help.
Well do you think you’re just bored with what you’ve got? That happens in longer relationships… and gets worse when you start having kids and bigger responsibilities. I would def figure this out before moving on to kids. If it were simply a libido drop across the board… I’d say that can be natural, or something you can check into. But the fact that you’re finding yourself sexually pulled towards others makes me think it’s got more to do with your dynamic.
You brought up money and education. Are you not happy with where you both or he are in your lives? Is the thought of having a child with him scary because of your standing?
It sounds like you’ve mentally friend zone’d him. While I’m not blaming you, it definitely sounds like a you problem. I don’t envy your situation. Have you tried therapy? You said your hormones are good, but something is certainly happening, wether it’s hormonal or mental.
Or do you think you’ve been lying to yourself, and now after “pulling the goalie” you’re scared of being “stuck” with him now, because you don’t see him as a good long term partner?
Ultimately, I would exhaust every resource trying to figure it out, because you’d hate to throw the best thing you had away. I can’t imagine him taking you back if you broke it off now.
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How long has it been this way?
If it’s less than a few months I would give it a few more months.
You say: My sex drive has never been higher and in a lot of ways the sex has never been “better” but it always leaves me feeling unsatisfied.
What does unsatisfied mean here? If you have way more orgasms does this go away or is it just like, a bottomless pit of some kind?
Unfortunately I do think that hormonal changes like this are part of being in a lifelong relationship as a woman–if it’s not birth control changes or normal cycles, it’s pregnancy and breastfeeding and then getting older and ultimately going into menopause. This is, in my opinion, where you do get into the “in sickness and in health” part and go ahead and forsake all others even though things are weird right now.
Damn, poor guy is doing everything right and your still not happy.
I think you need to voice your concerns to your husband. It’s hard to hear but after being together for six years, saying something like “for some reason I am extremely horny but I feel unsatisfied in bed. I love you, I am attracted to you, but since having my IUD removed I find it difficult to have sex with you. I’m not sure what it is but I could really use your help figuring it out”
I think you both could figure it out together- maybe try new things you both like and find new ways to please eachother since your preferences have changed. Relationships grow when you overcome change and hardship. This could be a very valuable point in your relationship.
Seems more like your yearning for the passionate sex you had when you where younger and currently aren’t b getting that. It’s good sex, but the raw emotions of the early sex aren’t there.
Jesus FUCK, the comments in here are horrendous.
Ok look, I admit I’m not much of a romantic and I don’t believe in soulmates. That said, you objectively find your husband attractive, and you used to have good sexual chemistry with him, so I don’t think you should take this as a “sign” you’re not “meant” to be together.
There MAY be a hormonal component. There MAY be an attitude component if you have a disconnect between seeing someone as sexual and seeing them as a partner or provider. There MAY be a component of needs not being met or desires not corresponding. All of these are worth exploring more.
There’s no rule for sexual attraction, honeymoon periods, relationships, anything. There’s no blueprint for any of it. Talk to your therapist, talk to your doctor, ask yourself the hard questions, and don’t tell your husband about the problem until you think you have a solution.
You got this.
In your OWN telling of this story about sexual attraction, you bring up the totally irrelevant detail of his money and education.
No, your IUD being taken out didn’t magically make you fall out of lust with your husband, you’re bored and resent him.
Oh this sounds tough.
There are numerous studies that show that birth control greatly affects your attraction & when it is changed, your body rebalances itself & the primal attraction/pheromones/sexual desire can completely flip flop.
I would suggest some therapy to get into the root of this internally as they would have experience with this change in many others. Just like when couples lose the spark for other reasons, it can definitely be rekindled once internal wounds are clear & our own shtuff is addressed. I would try to unravel it with a trained professional instead of diy because it sounds like a good marriage & if your fire can still be rekindled that’d be awesome, but I kind-of expect quite difficult to do on your own or with advice from an untrained forum
This seems tied to having a baby. You said your sure you want one, and with him. Perhaps that’s part of it? Maybe your viewing him as a potential father, and something about that is very unsexy to you.
Is there something weird with your relationship with your father?
You better see a psychologist and talk this out before you go and have a baby with someone. Go find out deeper what this is and deal with it. Do NOT have a baby with someone to make sex better! Omg it takes your drive away even more. And breastfeeding? Even worse. And that’s just how it is but it is strenuous on relationships and if you already feel like this you need to find out why.
One thing is for certain, do not just go and have the baby. Than needs to be put on the back burner until you give yourself time to figure out what’s going on.
Looking for a new adventure and aiming for more money or more education may help to fulfill your desires.
This sounds like the typical indecisive woman that ends up regretting her actions and comes crawling back to the perfect man
OP you may have already received this recommendation elsewhere, but I strongly recommend the book [Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. ](https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/27485.Mating_in_Captivity) It’s a fairly accessible read and it has some really good perspectives on this issue. It doesn’t necessarily prescribe solutions but it helped me to think about the situation.
https://drbrighten.com/can-birth-control-affect-who-youre-attracted-to/
This is a known effect of the birth control pill. I’m unsure if the mirena would do it but it seems likely since it is a hormonal iud.
>Decreased preference for male facial masculinity – In a study in the journal of Psychoneuroendocrinology women on birth control were found to choose male partners with more feminine features
>Preference for mates more genetically similar to us when based on scent – There have been multiple studies demonstrated altered preference for a mate based on scent. Our genetics (MHC complex specifically) influence our scent. For more studies on this, see the additional resource section below.
The theory is that your body thinks it is pregnant and so steers you toward mates that you might not pick at all if you were not on the external hormones. The studies are pretty wild. Women are provided the worn t shirts of men to smell and women on and off the pill prefer different men. You have to ask yourself which is the real “you”? A different version of you may have chosen your current mate.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ship_of_Theseus
You know, a lot relationships go through these up and down cycles in your sex life. I’ve been with my wife a long time, and there are years that I just can’t keep my hands off her to the point of driving her nuts and then there will be some stretches where we are more like roommates and the spark isn’t quite there. I still love her very much , but she is more like my best frient then a romantic partner. She has admitted this as well. Sometimes we try to jumpstart the flame again if one of us feels off by doing romantic things. I sometimes wonder if there is a chemical imbalance that pops up at times or if there is a psychological explanation , like stress or depression.
Absolutely do not have a child while you feel this way.
IMHO you should talk to a therapist, a good therapist. If you don’t have one, seek one out and interview them first to see if you will click. Ask your friends if they can recommend anyone. Do some research (pyschology today has a website that can help) It is hard to find a good one but definitely worth it because they will help you talk through your problem, ask you those hard questions, and you find the answers for yourself. I’m sorry you are going through this. It must be difficult but you WILL get to the other side and it WILL be better. I promise you that. Hugs.
I think you should wait a bit longer after stopping hormonal BC the hormones mirena has are more localized to the uterus not systemic through the body but I’m sure you could still have longer lasting effects. It took me two years to just get a normal regular period back after I stopped BCP.
Also through my 14 year relationship I have found that I am sometimes so so in love with my husband and other times find him annoying or less desirable from time to time but overall my love for him is very strong and wins out. You could just be noticing the bad at the moment.
Plus you
Mentioned that you are going to try for a child, this could be some of the reason too maybe you aren’t sure he’d be a good father or can’t provide as much as you would like?
This is definitely Mirena crash. You need to tell your doctor first, and then your husband. Keeping secrets isn’t going to do either of you a lick of good.
Oh, honey. I am a wife of almost 32 years and a mother of five.
I have not liked some of my children at times, but I would give my life for them. I have to had moments where I wished I wasn’t married, but they were fleeting and I can’t imagine not being married. He is my best friend and soul mate. ❤️
Feelings are not always truth, not always logical, not always permanent. They change.
Go to counseling. Please. Your marriage is worth it.
To bad this is happening. The saddest thing to me is your husband sounds like a good loving husband and you are going to break him
Married for 13 years here. I’m curious what typically turns you on, and how that manifests for you. Is it a certain type of fantasizing or porn? And if you imagine your husband involved in whatever that is, why doesn’t it “work”? Be super honest.
When describing things with your husband, yes you use a lot of positive words, but they’re also a little… settled? sensible? boring, even? Words like “parenting partnership”, “healthy”, “adoring”, “communication”, “husband across the dinner table”. Sounds pretty damn wholesome! And I don’t know about you, but the last thing that turns me on is wholesome family life in the ‘burbs.
It’d make sense that this fear of losing your edge is getting worse as you look toward trying for a baby. Could you talk to him honestly about this? He might even be thinking the exact same thing.
My husband and I have had the exact same issue. It was actually such a relief and kind of a bonding experience to be honest with each other about what we were feeling!
We’ve started bringing a bit more edge back to our sex lives. Some things like dabbling in BDSM more, sharing fantasies about who we’d most want to hook up with from our social circles, getting handsy in clubs… All the way to threesomes, getting tied up and whipped in pubic, and even a sex party in a mansion haha.
Find out what makes you and him tick!
May I suggest a book by Esther Perel named Mating in Captivity? It might help you shine a light on the reasons why you are feeling this way. This book is phenomenal. Good luck to you. I hope you can work things out and find eroticism in your marriage again.
As a guy, this is kind of scary to read. As in, could my W “flip” in a way where I become someone she both wants to fuck and not want to fuck? Says she wants a baby but also maybe flee? Every day, you need to make a *choice* about what your view of the world is… if you choose your husband… *choose him*. (Sorry, if I sound too simplistic, but there is no magic wand here as you can tell… so all you can do is *choose*.)
I don’t think money and education would fix your sexual attraction toward anyone.
I doubt the grass is greener on the other side in your situation
Hot wife. You’ll be used for sex. And he will try to be cool with it. Secretly feel inadequate, grow to resent you, and you’ll divorce
Well that brings us to the hard question: when you made your vows did you mean them? One thing I have been taught is that true love is not always only feelings. When you make a *commitment* to someone, it also a decision. You’re deciding to be with them for better or worse.
This is a good trial for you to mature in, especially before you have your first baby. Because that’s definitely a relationship in which sometimes you may not *want* to take care of or satisfy your child’s needs. And there may be times when you don’t *like* your child. But you will still have to learn to sacrifice for, love and nurture your child. You won’t neglect your child just because you don’t feel like taking care of them will you?
These days people are so easily swayed by feelings and make choices based on that alone… I think the attributes of putting others above yourself, selflessness and sacrifice have been lost in our society. So the real question is: did you mean your wedding vows? Or have you considered yourself just shacking up with your husband all this time? I’m sorry to be so blunt about it but this is serious business. And I think not only you but others need this advice.
Whether you stay with him or not, please rethink what true love is.
I honestly don’t believe there’s a single person you could be with where you would consistently have a high libido and high levels of sexual attraction to them all of the time. Life happens and sexual attraction goes up and down. Don’t throw your relationship away because of this. It can come back. Its understandable to worry but I think people don’t talk about the fact that these phases happen with everyone who are in very long term relationships at some point in life. Physiological changes happen, life events happen, a bunch of stuff happens that affects it. It’s normal. I suppose the point where you consider leaving is when you both stop having sex for significant ammount of time and you are unhappy about it and there’s no sign of being able to rectify it.
You say you communicate, “so much communication” yet you say you have sex with him that you secretly hate. Which one is it? Do you communicate or do you secrets? Having secrets is not communication.