How do I (18f) tell my boyfriend (25m) that I don’t want rough sex?

Lately my boyfriend has been more ‘experimental’ in the bedroom, which basically means he’s being very rough in the bedroom, along with pulling my hair or initiating sex really suddenly. eg. Recently I was walking to the counter while watching something on my phone, and he came up behind me and suddenly pulled up my skirt. Tbh it doesn’t turn me on, and I find it shocking and jarring instead of sexy. But I don’t want to tell her because I don’t want to come across as vanilla and boring. Yes, I know my consent is more important, but feel embarrassed to admit that I can’t stand a little roughness in the bedroom. How do I break it up without hurting her feelings?

39 thoughts on “How do I (18f) tell my boyfriend (25m) that I don’t want rough sex?

  1. If that hurts his feelings, then what kind of man is he? If he cares even a little about you then he’ll understand.

  2. It would not hurt my feelings in the least if my wife told me that something new we tried in the bedroom wasn’t working for her. If it was something I truly enjoyed and wanted more of we’d work on a compromise.

    It’s not vanilla or boring to not want rough sex. That’s just 1 little niche of kink. So much more you can explore if you want to be kinky.

  3. You need to set some boundaries and those are more important than hurting his feelings. It doesn’t make you a bad gf to ser boundaries, these boundaries are how he gets to know you better. If you don’t tell him your limits, then you don’t have any. Stop means stop, but you have to respect yourself enough to say it to him. Sex is for your pleasure too, not just his. Right now he’s left to do whatever he wants because there’s no pushback from you. The real test of a caring bf is how he responds to you denying his disrespectful behavior. It’s appalling how many guys get away with this stuff. It’s not a sign if a good relationship. This isn’t a matter of “vanilla and boring”, it’s a matter of consent and respect and communication.

  4. It might ‘hurt’ him a little, but you can also mention what things you do like to ease the ‘pain’.

    You should be kinda direct with him, just actually say “I don’t like roughness or free use and prefer not to do that, but I do really like it when …”

  5. Forget about his feelings, what about yours??? You’re saying the right words, but your priorities are out of order.

    He needs to ASK, BEFOREHAND, and get your CONSENT before doing anything rough.

    From the little you describe, this dude is not worth the pain and effort you’re investing. He should be able to tell that you’re not enjoying it. I doubt that he’s anywhere near as attached to you, as you are to him.

  6. I don’t think he’s being experimental, I think he watches to much porn. If he can’t tell that you are in discomfort he is stupid ASF.

  7. “I don’t like it when you try to spontaneously stick it in me, so I need you to ask me and respect my answers. We are not living in a porno and that’s not how sex works.”

    “I need you to be more gentle and sensitive with my body. I want to have fun with you, but your pleasure at my expense is not fun.”

    “That hurts, stop.”

    “Don’t do that again.”

  8. How would he feel if you suddenly started pegging him (assuming you hadn’t talked about it before)? He might like it but he might not. This is why you have to talk and work out what you both like & are willing to do.

  9. The reason he is 25 and dating teenagers is because women his age won’t put up with his shit.

    Dump him. Having boundaries in your physical relationship is not “vanilla.”

  10. You have to tell him straight up that you don’t want/like that! Your feelings in this situation are far more important than his since you’re the one it’s being done to!!! If he feels anything other than sorry than that’s his issue not yours!

  11. He is hurting you. If you wait until it starts leaving bruises will you feel better? No one has the right to feel bad for having to stop hurting
    someone. You don’t like being beaten up say so NOW

  12. When the husband is getting a little too rough and I’m not in the mood for it I just tell him to be gentle while we’re in the middle of it. If it’s still an issue then you should tell him that you just don’t enjoy it.

    If he can’t accept that then there’s a larger issue and no sex at all is better than sex you dread.

  13. He’s 25, he’s dating you because he knows you will let him do these things.

    Someone in his own age group would call him out immediately. That’s no fun for him.

  14. I am very vanilla and I can’t do ANYTHING rough. I dont want my hair pulled or my ass slapped or rough fast intercourse. Many men like those things, and that’s OK! But I’m not going to date them or sleep with them. And yes, I have broken it off with some amazing men, we were both really into each other. But we both knew we wanted different things in the bedroom.

    You say you don’t want him to think you are vanilla, but you ARE! Vanilla doesn’t mean boring. You can be passionately vanilla. I am, and certain men say I’m the best they ever had.

    Tell your boyfriend very bluntly what you ARE, and ARE NOT ok with. If he needs something different, break up. Breaking up sucks, but it’s a gift that that’s something we can do.

  15. You’re allowed to express your wants and desires just as much as he is. You deserve to be free to express yourself to him. If he makes you uncomfortable in any way shape or for expressing that he’s probably not the one for you. You don’t owe anything to him.

  16. I have a multi part answer to this:

    1. The fact that he’s 25 and you’re 18 is definitely a bit concerning. 7 years isn’t a huge deal down the road at say 30 and 37 – but 18 to 25 is MASSIVE in terms of life experience and (in theory) maturity. There’s more red flags in play here than when I play minesweeper… and I’m not very good at minesweeper.

    2. Fuck his feelings, no one gets to dictate what is done with your body, regardless of who they are or how they feel. What happens to you is your say and no one else’s. You should genuinely just tell him that you don’t like enjoy rough or forced sex. Advocate for yourself.

    3. If he gives you shit, and I suspect he will because again… 25 and 18 screams power, ego, and insecurity issues on his end. If he gives you issues just start randomly pegging him with no warm up and see how the fuck he likes it.

    I obviously don’t know the whole story and only know what you’ve said here, but in my opinion and experience it might be best for you to move on and take care of yourself. Because of the age gap alone he should be on constant alert to be more considerate and caring towards you and your body.

    Regardless of what you choose to do, please express how you feel and advocate for yourself sexually. Too many women just stay silent because they’re afraid to hurt feelings. You’re a human too that deserves pleasure and respect, don’t forget that.

    Best of luck and be safe 🤘🏻

  17. “While I appreciate the fact that you feel comfortable experimenting with me, I ask that we talk about these things in advance so we both know what our boundaries are and what’s okay to try versus what’s off the table. I personally do not enjoy surprise sex/ sudden moves made on me while I am in a middle of an everyday task like watching videos on my phone, and am telling you that while you likely had no bad intentions, this needs to stop immediately as this behavior is frightening to me and doesn’t feel good for me at all.” If that response offends him and/or he continues doing this despite you putting up this boundary, then you’re better off dumping him.

  18. First you communicate, simple, just tell him what you do not like.

    Then “reward”and “punish” his sexual behaviour, when he does what you like show (with breathing, noises and what ever), that you like it, you love it, enjoy it. When he does things you do not like say no, turn away and more. When he still goes on, just stop having sex with him that night and say, my fun and desire in sex is over. You know I do not like it like that.

  19. at his age, he should know better about respect in relationships, im 24f and even I would be pissed. real relationships isn’t pornhub sweetie! tell him the truth, i promise you’ll be okay if he leaves you. not a loss at all. *cue lizzo*

  20. Listen. Most people are vanilla and it’s not a bad thing, it’s 100% good to enjoy normal sex. And do not worry about what anyone else thinks is ‘boring,’ you want to be boring to someone like that. The right person will like you as you are. You’re considering his feelings more than he’s considering yours, and yours are just as valuable. You’re clearly uncomfortable, I can feel that through the screen; and there’s no need to try to change that (that shit is jarring and not fun, you’re right). Just tell him no. If he can’t respect that, in my opinion as someone closer to his age than yours? Leave. He’s not worth this kind of discomfort, one resulting from violating your consent. There are better guys

    And he’s not even initiating well, he’s just grabbing you expecting you to like whatever he does with zero communication. He’s acting like a tool

    Plus, seriously the age gap isn’t helping. I remember at your age I cared way more about what other people think than I do now, bc you’re still learning a lot. Because you’re barely an adult. He’s trying to take advantage of that fact, actively

  21. This is why he’s dating an 18yo, cause you’re inexperienced enough and too timid to tell him that you simply don’t like what he does during sex.

  22. Sounds like a weird power dynamic. When did y’all meet each other and when did this start? When you turned 18?

  23. Tell him you prefer more slow and sensual, you need foreplay and that spontaneity and roughness isn’t your thing. Maybe you can compromise somehow? Spanking sessions?

  24. In general, what works in confronting people or expressing your feelings is using “I” statements. In this case, “I don’t like rough sex. What I do like is _____.”

    If this hurts his feelings, then I’m afraid he is not emotionally mature enough for you. With him being a few years older than you, that would be such a disappointment. And it’ll be exhausting for you to have to deal with.

  25. You can tell him however you want, but he’s not going to care. He’s 25. You’re 18.

    > I find it shocking and jarring

    That’s his intent. He isn’t intending to turn you on. It turns him on. When you tell him you don’t like it, his response will be some form of “that’s okay, I like it enough for both of us”.

  26. No hate to you but I’m getting very tired of the constant posts of “how do I tel my partner -“ just tell them. That’s how, you say “I don’t like rough sex” plain and simple. I hope he understands and you stay safe!

  27. NOTHING is wrong with being vanilla NOTHING!!!! Set your boundaries or he will keep pushing them because he knows he can! He SHOULD be checking in with you and is not that is not true BDSM and is not acceptable!

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